In an effort to start that conversation with all of you, I decided to compile a list of things that are helpful/not helpful to bring up as we forge this new territory. We are new at this too, so hopefully with grace, we will all learn how to be the best supporters of Peng that we can.
- Consider asking us these kinds of questions....What have been your favorite times with Peng so far? What have you learned about his personality? What have you noticed about how Jude, Annie and Timmy are responding to a new brother in the family? What is it like having four kids!? What has the been the hardest part so far? What has been the best part so far? and even....Can I pick up the three older ones for a playdate and bring them back in a few hours!?
- Email to let us know what you are doing/up to in your life so we can stay connected even without getting together for a while.
- Let us know when we come to mind and when/what you've prayed for us.
- Bring us a meal! For those who know me well, they know cooking isn't my favorite thing to do. I'm sure I'll much rather be playing with Peng and the kids :) My friend Em Schmalz has generously set up a meal train for us. If you are local, love cooking and want to be of tangible support, feel free to sign up. We would SO appreciate it. https://www.mealtrain.com/trains/w7y137
This question goes in the non-helpful category. Peng is a person and people cannot be bought. Though this is obvious, sometimes this slip of the tongue happens. The adoption process is expensive because of many reasons. Most reasons are put in place with the intention to protect children. Some are just extra red tape to satisfy who knows who and there are surely inefficiencies. This often means adoptive parents go through the ringer, using a lot of government time and multiple social workers, all of whom need to be paid for their services. Many people take years to save for these costs. Some fundraise. All in all, he is worth whatever other sacrifices we need to make.
"Do you know anything about his 'real' parents?"
Two things here. First thing: Kevin and I, along with all adoptive parents are real. Second of all, it is a very natural inquiry. I have often wondered about the connection between children and their birth families as well. However, just because I wonder about it, doesn't mean I need to ask it. Think of similarly to asking someone "Why do I never see your dad around? I heard he left your family?" It's a pretty personal question that requires a special time and place to talk through. It also should not be asked in front of the kids. So, if that special time arises with you and our family, we can potentially share more about Chinese social dynamics. Feel free to see my blog post from March 2014 http://www.hubersfamily.blogspot.com/2014/03/birthmothers.html
"He seems so attached already."
Attachment is a journey. It's not a black and white 'he wasn't attached, now he is." Children take baby steps towards attachment and we hope to see those baby steps start soon after he joins our family. I saw a comment on someone else's Facebook picture of the day they met their son. The child was smiling. The comment said "Look at how happy he is to be with you. It's obvious he trusts you so much already!" While that sounds great - there is really no way he can trust these strange people he just met. And while there is a chance the smile may be honest happiness, it is more likely'putting on the charm', because that is what has always gotten him what he wanted in the orphanage. If Peng clings to us, it does not necessarily mean he's securely attached. He could be afraid and nervous and we are the only thing familiar in this crazy land called Minnesota. And just because he lays his head on our chest (which I sure hope he learns to do!), does not mean he is securely attached. It all means he's learning. Baby steps. We'll get there and will be intentional about forging attachment with him for many years.
"Is it different than having your own kids?"
This one will be hard for me. Probably 'own kids' and 'real parents' are the phrases that cut the deepest. It shows a misunderstanding of the permanency and covenant of adoption. It undermines the authenticity of the relationship that ALL parents have with their children and assumes there is something 'less' about being an adoptive family than a birth family. For those of us who believe in Jesus' message of including the Gentiles in his promises, and not just the blood line of the Jews....we should know on a very deep level that both Jews and Gentiles who trust Him are fully Christ's 'own'.
If Peng hears these phrases as he grows it gives subtle suggestions that he is not 'one of us'. It implies that he doesn't really quite belong. That Timmy, Jude and Annie are our 'own', but for some reason he isn't. My heart would break if he ever started to believe this. Peng is being given to our family as a gift, just like Jude, Annie and Timothy were given to us. They are all our own. We will have four children soon. Not three and one adopted. We will have four children and they are all our own children. I realize, I'm repeating myself. It's just a really important point. Most people do not intend to insult with this comment, I realize. It's just a big one and the more people that can be mindful of the painfulness of this terminology, the better.
"He's more special, you chose him!"
While the intentions behind this thought are to be positive and affirming, it again, sets Peng apart. And what does that make our first three kids? Not as special? They were pretty much chosen too....by God! And Peng was chosen by God as well. He's not more or less special because he is adopted. It's just his story. All our stories are valid, unique and important. I've also heard calling adopted children 'chosen', puts an unnecessary burden on them to live up to the 'extra special' category they've been assigned. It's probably best we put ALL of us in the 'extra special' category, because that is how Jesus sees us.
"He is so lucky to have you. You are so awesome to do this."
Something we are very mindful of and want to communicate always is...we are not Peng's savior. There is only one person who can fill that role. There are millions of orphans and to hear the stats on how only a fraction of those children are even available for adoption is staggering. That means, even when children are not adopted....God has promised to meet them. Thankfully, God is bringing Peng into our family and he will be an orphan no longer. However, we are going to be just as blessed to have him in our family. It will be a mutual blessing. It would be affirming to our family if you would help create a culture of this perspective in Peng's world. So, he never gets the impression he would have been abandoned by God if he hadn't been brought into our family. This happens to be the way God is providing for Peng and we are SO glad to be a part of it.
"Does he have any special needs?"
So, this just boils down to being a very personal question. Some special needs are easily visible and some are not. Either way, a child should have the authority to share details about their life when they are ready. In general, it is their story to share. Just think of how awkward it would be for someone to walk up to your family and say "So, does anyone in your family have bladder control issues?" (just a random 'special need' chosen for the sake of this example). You might be taken aback, and rightly so. As with any child, there are a spectrum of needs. In general, you can also assume all adopted children will all have some sensitive needs because of the number of losses they have experienced at such a young age.
"Can I hold him?"
This is one of the most natural things to ask when you meet a friend who just had a baby. While I don't anticipate many people asking us this as Peng is 3 1/2, I thought I'd just take this opportunity to share how it's different with children coming into families via adoption. As I've shared at length in other posts, all adopted children come from a place of loss. An infant born to his/her mother has been with her 24/7 since conception. A brief moment of separation from her for someone to hold and coddle will do no harm whatsoever. And it's fun! The infant will then return to mom and recognize that she is home. That is a good cycle. With an adopted child, they do not truly know on a visceral level who mom and dad are yet. In a sense, those first months with them/us need to simulate a pregnancy where we are together ALL the time. So, Peng will know our scents, our motions, our voices, our tendencies, our everything. Allowing others to care for him too soon puts him in a position of having to question "Is this person going to take me away now too?" For this reason, it is widely accepted in the adoption world that new families go through a time of 'cacooning' together. This is limiting exposure to new people, new toys, new foods, etc. until the child seems to be settling in. The hard part of this is that we WANT to share Peng with our friends and family. And we DON'T want to isolate ourselves and have all of you feel afraid to reach out us. This will be a delicate dance as we all seek to do what is best for Peng and his attachment.
The last thing we want to do is scare off friends and family who want to invest in Peng and our life. Don't be afraid to interact with us and be interested in this piece of our life. Just know we are going to be learning as we go - as far as knowing what is good to share and what is good to keep private for Peng's sake as he grows.
Thanks, mostly, for reading this and being willing to take a step in understanding some of the unique dynamics of adoptive families.
Countdown for take off: 8 days!!!!!!
