Noticing the same

Back in 1999, I went to see the Disney movie “Tarzan” with my roommate, Lisa.  I had just recently been to listen to speaker, Holly Van Gulden, a therapist and good counselor on adoptive parenting.  She was so wise and insightful and I had gained lots of good resources to offer the adoptive families I was working with at the time.  We came to a scene in the movie where the boy Tarzan starts realizing he’s different from his ‘ape family’.  She begins to sing a song to him and lovingly points out all the things they have in common. It was a sweet scene and at the one point , she pulls Tarzan to put his hands against hers. His eyes get big and he seems to realize they both have five fingers and that they have something in common. At this point, I lean over to Lisa and excitedly say “This is such great adoptive parenting!” To which she proceeds to firmly, yet affectionately tell me to be quiet as she wipes the tears streaming down her face. I guess I ruined the moment.

In biological families it’s so common to say “You have your mom’s nose” or “When you said that, you sounded just like your dad.” Adopted children don’t have this lifelong reinforcement of sameness, unless we intentionally notice it.  Some shared characteristics can be learned like “You enjoy being outside, just like your mom.” Some characteristics just happen to be the same, even though they are not biological “You have stick straight hair, just like your dad!”  Adoptive families are often encouraged to all use the same shampoo, have matching shirts, get similar hair cuts, sometimes when everything seems different those are just teeny little things you can have the same. 

When Peng comes home and for the rest of his life within our family, he will be different. He will have a different skin color, a different set of birth parents, a different early childhood, a different ‘label’, a different story. And that is what will stand out first. 

We all do it. We see a family all of one color and notice one family member is a different color. We are immediately intrigued. We see a family and notice one person is in a wheelchair, or is missing a limb, we are curious. It’s only natural to focus on the difference.  The choice comes in what happens next.

Being Chinese, he will obviously look different from the rest of our pale skinned, blue eyed family. And when he meets new people, he will likely always be asked some of the same questions for his whole life like “That's your brother?”, “Do you want to meet your ‘real’ parents someday?” or “How much did it cost to adopt you?”

Many people feel these kinds of questions right off the bat are as personal as asking a stranger “Do you think your parents will ever divorce?”, “Have you ever been to therapy?” or “How much do you earn in a year?”

I also remember Holly Van Gulden telling a story of walking into a grocery store with her family. I believe she had three of her children with her at the time, they were all different nationalities and someone came up to her and asked “Where are they from?” Holly turned to her children and said “Do you feel like sharing part of your story today?” Two shook their heads no and one said “I’m from India”. Holly shortly wrapped up the conversation and moved on with shopping. I have remembered this story for 15 years.  It was powerful in my eyes, because she aligned herself with her children rather than feeling the need to answer every question asked of her about her children. She proved something to her kids that day – that their needs and their story are theirs.  They can share if they choose and share with whom they choose and mom will support them. She noticed the "same". They were on the same team.

There is a range of what kinds of comments and questions are appropriate for us to discuss in front of Peng when he gets here.  Ultimately, he will have to figure out when and with whom he feels comfortable sharing his story as he grows up.

Our job will be to model navigating personal conversations for him and equipping him to have them himself. This will be a learning curve for all of us. I’m not sure what I will feel is intrusive or inappropriate yet. I hope we handle ourselves with grace towards well-meaning information seekers, more details to those closer to us and also loyalty to Peng, his privacy and his story.
Being adopted will always be a part of what Peng has experienced and he will always be ‘different’ in that way in our family.  We will need to be sensitive to this reality and be aware that the world we live in is not free of stereotypes and judgments he may experience differently than we have.

However, it is my hope that while ‘being adopted’ is a part of him, it doesn’t define him.  I want him to know his first identity is simply that he is a Child of the King. He is the outpouring of God’s heart and imagination and has the mark of God’s image on him. He is a gift and has much blessing to offer.  I hope he will see that he is much more like us than he is different. I hope he will know that God creates families by birth, by marriage and by adoption. And that he has just as much a right to be a part of our family as any of us. 

Logistical update: Not much to share. Still waiting for Peng’s file to get to Beijing. We’ve been told it should be within a week from now.  We’ve been told these things before, so not holding our breath. But still trusting in Jesus. Can’t hurt to keep knocking on God’s door!

Hope

God has been good to us in that He keeps giving me fresh words from His heart, pictures of His character and reminders of His love.  You know how some days, weeks, months can go by and it feels like you're just on auto pilot? That's reality sometimes and God is still present in that. However, that's not our story right now.  Currently, I am so grateful that God is meeting me, right where we are at, in the midst of this drama of waiting. He's given me a few phrases/pictures/message lately.

"Your hope is in Me. Not the Chinese Government."

No, we didn't make our October 2nd marker and now the Chinese government takes a seven day shutdown.  To be completely honest, I think I'm looking forward to this little break. Each morning, I check my email and in the back of my mind am waiting for a phone call saying "The files are in! The files are in!". Then, each day, when I don't hear the news, my countenance falls a little.  It's a weary way to live. My hope is in the Lord. I can't hope for specific dates or specific because they will fail me.  I get anxious and annoyed when I think about the logistics of this entire adoption process. 

So recently, I feel like I've been given a new spirit...one of hope, not defeat.  And I had the idea of  making a list of seven things I am going to do over this next seven day Chinese government shutdown.  And I'm excited about them.

1)  Get a haircut (done!)

2) Write this blog (done!)

3) Finish Peng's book of our family pictures with Chinese captions to mail to him once we're official

4)  Buy Peng a soft blanket.  Each of our kids have one and love hearing how they got it. It also involves shopping, which is what this Chinese holiday was created for to boost the economy. As they say "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right?"

5) Share on FB about all the other waiting children in Peng's orphanage and a few others that need help in finding a family.

6) Pray fervently for the newly orphaned and all the suffering in Liberia.  Keeping my eyes on the needs of others who are in desperation for the Lord's mercy keeps me from keeping my eyes fixed on my own issues.

7) Work on a fun video of my kids and share it.  I like having those for our family library and I haven't made one for a while. I want to celebrate the little lives already in my care.

"Be the one thing that I see...You are before me....Fix your eyes on Jesus."

Phrases like these have flooded my experiences within the past week or two. Many times over the past week, I have been reminded of this theme...of what I am LOOKING at. During these times of reminder...in a song, in our Bible study, in my personal devotion, in a bathroom reading a Scripture off a shower curtain (true story)....I visualize the same thing. ...I just see Jesus standing right in front me.  Not blocking me or really doing much of anything, but just right there.  Looking at me, inviting me to look at Him. It's such a peace filled experience.  Instead of fixing my eyes on these issues or burdens, I just see Him. It's as simple as that. When I'm tempted to start analyzing, pondering, thinking too much, I just see Him standing there and look at Him. It's pretty awesome redirection on what is live giving to dwell on.

"I am making all things beautiful."

A few weeks ago, in a time of prayer, God gave me another picture of His love when I gave him a bouquet of flowers during my prayer. Each flower represented all the terrific times this past summer when I experienced His goodness, His mercy, His tangible love.  Many of those times were when I was with my family. Then I picked up broken sticks, put them in a basket and gave Him also, that bundle of sticks.  Those represented the dry, lonely heaviness of not having Peng with us and of him still in institutional care where He does not belong. Jesus received that bundle of sticks from me, just as He had taken the bouquet from me a few minutes earlier.  Then, in my prayer, I just watched Him. He held the basket and reached for the bouquet I had given Him a few moments earlier.  He began to start putting the flowers into the basket, with the sticks, interspersing them and making a beautiful, earthy and rugged arrangement. I was then reminded of His words in Ecclesiastes 3:11 "He makes all things beautiful in His time." He is weaving Peng's story in with ours and in His time, making something beautiful.

It was such a powerful experience for me, that afterwards I took Jude and Annie to the craft store, found a perfect little basket and a bunch of different colored flowers (on clearance because they were making room for fall flowers!) and a piece of foam to put them in. We went home, gathered sticks from outside and then later I told all three kids about my prayer time.  The next day during homeschool time, we each made a basket.  Well, Annie made three mini arrangements using toilet paper tubes. As Jude came near the end of his arrangement, he said "Mom, do you know why there aren't many sticks in mine?" I responded that I didn't know why.  He then said "It's because God is taking over the sadness."

We're getting closer. Jude can sense it. I think we all can sense it. Every day is closer, right?

Peng is in the hands of God, as are we.

We are all where we are and our hope is in the mighty name of Jesus.