Some of you knew our family during my first pregnancy. It was in 2006 and some of you even came to baby showers for me. Blessing us with beautiful dresses and handmade pink blankets and all the fuss that comes with the announcement of a baby girl on the way. For those of you who didn't know us, we had an ultrasound at the typical 20 week mark and they assured us we were having a bouncing baby girl. Thankfully, with that pregnancy I had no complications and had no further ultrasounds and it was only upon delivery that Timothy made his grand entrance. There he was in all his boy-ness, stunning all of us and giving himself quite the unique birth story.
You may have noticed in these blogs that we've been referring to our newest addition as a little girl. We have felt strongly that a girl would be a good fit for our family at this point. There were many thoughts that brought us to this, partly because we have a 3 bedroom house - 2 boys in a room, 2 girls in a room makes sense. Timothy and Jude have each other, Annie and a little girl could have a sweet sisterhood. With the possible struggles of identity and adoption in the future, I envisioned having 'girl talks' with a little lady as we faced it together. We talked about this with our agency and they said it was perfectly fine that we specified a gender and we'd move forward with that in mind. My mom and I even spent a whole day picking out some beautiful fabric for her quilt from Grandma Sue.
On May 29, our agency director had been back in the States a few days and reached out to me with a personal update from their time in China. She said both she and her colleague were quite surprised, but have been noticing a new pattern in China. This a piece of her note to me. "The partnership orphanage is a wonderful one and they had lots of little ones with minor needs. Unfortunately as I am seeing with most of the orphanages is that there are hardly any girls available.... If you were open to boys there were lots of little boys, some that are essentially healthy."
This was a shocker. I also noticed a familiar feeling in my gut. It reminded me of the day we met Timothy. I was very delighted that day. He was out, he was beautiful and I was holding my first born child. At the same time, I also was conflicted because I was confused and simultaneously grieving a little girl I had been talking to, praying for and who had a whole bunch of washed and hanging girly clothes in her closet. I was supposed to be her mom and I didn't know where she was. It was unsettling and sad, to be honest. After about 24 hours or so, I was able to come to a new peace with it all. Somehow my brain just needed time to process that she never existed and so it was really my imagination that needed to let her go and embrace my son. The son living and breathing and needing me now. Over the next few weeks I would grieve her on and off, but as I grew to know Timothy more and more that grief was able to resolve into joy. Timothy was the one God had knit together and placed in our family and that was a good thing.
When I read our directors email, I had that same feeling of grief I had that first day we found out we were having a first born boy instead of the girl we had been told. My heart cried "Again?" Where is the little girl we've been thinking of so often and planning rooming arrangements for? Going throughout my day tears would well up as it felt like she might be slipping away. Over the weekend Kevin and I processed our motives for desiring a girl. We tried to visualize it a future with a girl and for the first time tried to visualize a future with a little boy. We prayed.
One of my main concerns was that we had been praying for "little sister" for months with the kids. I decided to casually run it by them...."Hey guys....what would think if we ended up having a little brother instead of a little sister?" Bracing for a backlash, Timothy and Annie, hardly looking up from the projects they were working on, said respectively "That would be OK" and "That's fine".
Jude was a little resistant at first. He has a little friend Edith (2 years old) who he adores and he mentioned how he wanted a girl like Edith in our family. He also liked the idea of having the same number of girls as boys. But throughout the day, we talked a little it about how we're learning that many of the girls have homes, but some of the boys need families.Within a few hours he said he'd be OK with a little brother....as long as he's cute.
In the end, Kevin and I couldn't seem to come up a reason big enough to justify passing by a little boy who was waiting in an orphanage, needing a family. This isn't really about crafting the family we think is ideal. Our motives for adopting are to give a child a home who wouldn't otherwise have one. If the boys are the ones who need homes most right now, then let's be open to boys.
There is still a chance that we could be matched with a girl. There are for sure a few that need homes. However, it's looking like our chances of having another dose of testosterone in the house are rising. I have already loved being mom to two little boys and know how much fun they can be. Annie will be a strong young lady and will know how to hold her own :)
You may be wondering....why the sudden shift? China is typically known for their preference for boys and their abandonment of girls. From our agency staff, as well as a workshop we attended online, we have heard these potential reasons. There are more ultrasounds in China than in the 1990's and early 2000's. There are also more abortions. Gender selective abortion is not legal, but still happens. The one child policy is still official, but much less enforced than it used to be. China is growing in wealth, and many people are able to pay the fines to have more than one child. Our agency staff said they had never seen so many families with young girls out and about in the city streets as they did on this trip. There is also a growing acceptance of domestic adoptions, so many of the healthy girls are being placed in Chinese families. This is a very good thing. Adoption has been a topic of shame in the past for China, and the door is opening to shed light on the beauty and acceptance of it.
My own personal hope is that the value of women is being understood and appreciated in a new way. The historical gender roles of a man's intrinsic worth and a woman's intrinsic lack of worth are not as rooted as they once were. In many parts of China, women are being sent to college and can make money to help support her family. It's also not all about working the field as it used to be.
So, all that said....maybe all of this doesn't sound like a big deal, but it's a bit of a mindset switch for us. Probably mostly for me :) Mr. Flexibility seemed to make the transition pretty easily. And now I'm pretty excited. Just like I was upon meeting Timothy.
On the logistical side, it feels like a long time coming, but our dossier is finally headed to China either tomorrow or Wednesday. In about two weeks, we've been told we'll have a "Log In Date". This date is the fantastic date that tells us China has approved us to adopt a child and we can now start the matching process.Would you pray with our family, as we now pray for " little sibling"? We are hopeful that early this summer we will be matched and be able to see the face of the next Hubers family member.
