We shall see

Years ago I heard this old Chinese parable and was so glad when I recently read a story to the kids that included it.  They really liked it too. I’ll share it here.

One day in late summer, an old farmer was working in his field with his old sick horse. The farmer felt compassion for the horse and desired to lift its burden. So he left his horse loose to go the mountains and live out the rest of its life.

Soon after, neighbors from the nearby village visited, offering their condolences and said, "What a shame.  Now your only horse is gone.  How unfortunate you are! You must be very sad. How will you live, work the land, and prosper?" The farmer replied: "Who knows? We shall see".

Two days later the old horse came back now rejuvenated after meandering in the mountainsides while eating the wild grasses. He came back with twelve new younger and healthy horses which followed the old horse into the corral.

Word got out in the village of the old farmer's good fortune and it wasn't long before people stopped by to congratulate the farmer on his good luck.  "How fortunate you are!" they exclaimed. You must be very happy!"  Again, the farmer replied: "Who knows? We shall see."

At daybreak on the next morning, the farmer's only son set off to attempt to train the new wild horses, but the farmer's son was thrown to the ground and broke his leg.  One by one villagers arrived during the day to bemoan the farmer's latest misfortune.  "Oh, what a tragedy!  Your son won't be able to help you farm with a broken leg. You'll have to do all the work yourself, How will you survive? You must be very sad" they said.  The farmer replied: "Who knows? We shall see."

Several days later a war broke out. The Emperor's men arrived in the village demanding that young men come with them to be conscripted into the Emperor's army.  As it happened the farmer's son was deemed unfit because of his broken leg.  "What very good fortune you have!!" the villagers exclaimed as their own young sons were marched away. "You must be very happy." The farmer replied: "Who knows? We shall see."

As time went on the broken leg healed but the son was left with a slight limp. Again the neighbors came to pay their condolences. "Oh what bad luck. Too bad for you"!  But the old farmer simply replied; "Who knows? We shall see."

As it turned out the other young village boys had died in the war and the old farmer and his son were the only able bodied men capable of working the village lands. The old farmer became wealthy and was very generous to the villagers. They said: "Oh how fortunate we are, you must be very happy", to which the old farmer replied, "Who knows? We shall see!" 

Obviously there is room for emotions when life happens around us.  At the same time, there is such a nugget of truth in this fable.

Before applying to an adoption agency, I spent about a year researching programs, countries, processes, travel expectations, fees, etc.  After I narrowed it down, I showed Kevin the results and we made a decision. I need this processing time. It’s part of how I sift through what is in my heart and try to discern God’s heart.  I believe it was a good choice to go with the agency we did.  

We got word a few weeks ago on a Monday morning that our agency, after 31 years in operation and thousands of facilitated adoptions was closing its doors.  They had made some overzealous financial promises to humanitarian aid in other countries that had wiped them out financially.  It was abrupt and even our social worker was shocked as it meant she was out of a job in 5 days. The most painful part of it (for us) though was that we had paid our ‘adoption services’ fee.  This is a significant fee and we had yet to receive the services that fee was supposed to cover.  When we asked for a refund, we were informed that funds were frozen and really, there was no money even if they wanted to refund it.  Basically, we lost it. And if we wanted to continue the adoption process, we’d need to find another agency and then re-pay that same fee to them.

This was discouraging news to say the least.  A variety of emotions were experienced and a certain level of frustration sat in. At the same time, both Kevin and I went on our own ‘few day’ journey of healing and forgiveness and asking God what was next. For some reason it helped me to at least know the money had gone to an orphanage in Ethiopia and we were not part of some illegitimate scam. For Kevin, God brought to mind a quote from our pastor in a recent message “Bitterness is a prison locked from the inside.” Meditating on this truth was a turning point for him.

We were exploring options and a few possibilities were in the works, with agencies giving us a small break, but still involving us losing thousands of dollars.  Then the sunshine started to peak through the clouds.  Our social worker locked in a position at a new adoption agency who needed experienced staff to help their growing China program.  They had compassion on our situation and with our previous social worker advocating for us, invited us into their program to continue where we left off…..with no additional fees. After a lot of questions, good discussions with the directors and getting documentation that this agency was financially stable, we decided to go for it.  This agency has the same personal feel to it that I liked so much about our last one and even a few more blessings I think we'll experience along the way.  They had recently absorbed another agency that closed its doors and ‘took’ that China program to expand it.  This meant they were in a position of really needing families in their program to adopt the children from the two orphanages with whom they have a partnership.

So, we are very happy to be working with them and they appear to be happy working with us.  Happy enough to take quite a financial hit to invite us aboard.

We feel like God just scooped us up off one shore, lifted us across a raging river and placed us down gently on the other side.  It was a little wobbly on the ride over, but it was fairly short and we were in HIS HAND the entire time.

The mind boggling part is that our previous agency had different orphanage connections than our current agency.  So, we will likely have a different child than we would have if we had continued on with our first agency. These are things far too complex for me to comprehend or be responsible for coordinating.  So, feeling a bit out of control of all of this is actually the best place for me to be.  I know we have a God who is acting on behalf of our future child and in the best interest of our family and that is where our peace comes from.

So, when we got this abrupt news about our agency, we obviously were tempted to think “How unfortunate we are!”.  And thankfully God allows us to feel our feelings, grieve our loss and be sad, mad or frustrated as long as we need to. But the good news is, we serve a wonderfully creative God who heals, gives hope and helps us see his goodness daily and allows us to confidently proclaim “Who knows? We shall see!”

 

The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease. For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul.

“Therefore I have hope in Him.”

Lamentations 3:22-24

 

Birthmothers

I have found myself growing a heart for the women in China.  I have asked questions to those who have lived there, read some books and articles on the ‘one child policy’ rule and learned a little about Chinese history even before that policy became law. It is all just whetting my appetite for more understanding.  Now it’s not just history or current events, it’s personal. 

Just like any of us, the people of China are susceptible to the powers of culture and government. And while deep in our hearts we may stand in strong opposition, sometimes we just cannot fight.  I have to wonder if this is what has happened to many women in China in the past and even now.  I hesitate to go into many of the details I have learned as I don’t want to misquote or mislead, so if you are interested in going deeper and want just one source, I recommend Xinran’s book Message From An Unknown Chinese Mother. The author was a journalist in China for many years who also hosted a radio show.  Over her time interviewing people and exerting her amazing ability to ask questions, she found women who were often reluctant, but finally willing to share a part of their life they had guarded as closed for so very long.  Their stories are like nothing I have heard before.   While she shares it took her a long time to relive the memories of the stories she shares, Xinran summoned the courage to do so for the sake of the adopted daughters of China. 

As many of you know, it is common for birth parents to leave their children, especially if it is a girl or a child with special needs.  All adoptive families are required to watch 12 hours of adoption related seminars per request of China.  In one of the seminars they warned us about making up stories about our child’s background.  We are going to know very little about her/his history and so it might be tempting for us to paint a picture that will not be too sad for our child.  I don’t want to make things up to sugar coat their story, but I do want to give an understanding of potential reasons why our child’s story started the way it did. There is also the perspective of a Chinese woman, chronicled by Karin Evans in her book ‘The Lost Daughters of China’. The woman was raised in Beijing, coming to the States afterwards and claimed “I think there is not the looking inward in China that you imagine, especially for those in poverty. People are too busy surviving.” While there may be truth to this, this just shows me a circumstance that contributed to the numbing of women’s hearts, but does not reflect the innate bond between a birthmother and child. And while this is one woman’s description, there has been plenty written by other Chinese women that express a turmoil and tragedy in leaving their children that after hearing, leaves you with the feeling of a stone in your gut.

I’m imagining that after we bring our child home, after some time we’ll be back out doing our life together as family.  I’m also imagining someone with intentions to reveal a sentiment of how precious our child is might say something like “How could a mother abandon this little one?”

If this happens to be you, I apologize in advance.  I can forsee I might rise quickly to the defense of my child’s birth mother who somehow managed to go full term with her pregnancy, with pressure to do otherwise.  I might share that she is a woman who birthed a beautiful child of God and upon finding the child to be a girl potentially convinced those in cultural authority over her to spare the child's life thus facing severe consequences. And finally, she is a woman who had to make a potentially agonizing choice most of us will never come close to facing.  Xinran shares near the end of the book "So, dear children, that you are alive and thriving today is because your mother challenged social conventions, oppression and ignorance to give you that gift of life." 

 

So, basically, I think she is pretty amazing.  I grieve the fact that my child and my family will very likely never know her.  I would love to speak grace and honor into her life and show my respect of her as a woman and also as a mother.  As of now, I suspect she likely feels the deepest loss and shame imaginable.  Either that or, out of desperation has numbed her heart to feel nothing.

If you are able…will you pray for our child’s birth mother? And also for her birth father? We have no idea if they are rural/urban, if our child has siblings, or their status in the culture or any pressure they are facing even now.  We probably will never know.  But Jesus knows.   

More than anything, I want them to know their value in the eyes of God.  Jesus Christ went to the cross to lift the exact burdens they are carrying. I desperately want our child’s birth family to know that He forgives them and that they can turn to Him to salve their wounds and strengthen them for new life in HIM.  We might even be so bold as to ask God to equip them to be a part of making wide and sweeping changes in their country in the name of what is good and right.  

I don’t know how to manage overpopulation or confront centuries of cultural beliefs that are less than life affirming.  I don't believe our family is in a position to be responsible for those decisions, but I will now begin praying for those who are.  And there are many Chinese who are actively working to make changes that are good for the people in their country.  I do believe that every person is created in the image of God and he cares deeply for each soul he knits together.  So, with that in mind, we press on and know the position we ARE in.  And right now, that is to take care of the orphans.