Christmastime check in

It’s a few days before Christmas and I do not seem to have had the drive to pull together a Christmas letter to put in the mail. Although, I do feel the need to close out the year with a blog post as we started our home study in December and this month, our journey has reached the one year mark. We talked with our social worker today and while there is no news on progress, it was comforting to hear her say she had no idea what she was asking us to endure when she told us about Peng back in May. They were told the kids would be registered very soon and the conservative estimate for our travel time to adopt little Peng was December. Here we are in December and we are still not even formally matched with him because he’s not registered yet. It’s a bit surreal. The China Center that processes adoptions will be shutting down from Dec. 28 to supposedly Jan. 5, but potentially longer if they need the time to fix their system. They seem to have stopped registering children in recent weeks, in anticipation of that shut down. He might be registered in January. He might not. But each month, we can’t help but hope.

I’ve read some stories lately. One was of a little boy orphaned during World War II. He was a gypsy, but he also was identified as a Jew. The story of his experiences, his pain, his coping mechanisms reminded me there is a lot the human heart can endure. There was tremendous loss, yet there was also tremendous selflessness and love for those he became close to as family. I also have been reading about the atmosphere and atrocities committed in China during the Cultural Revolution. Under communism’s guise of equality, families were brutally forced to denounce, humiliate, shame and betray each other in allegiance to the one ‘family’ of the state. The destruction of the family unit was one of the main goals during that era and tore away at the fabric of society. It became all about saving your own skin. It hardened generations of hearts. I can’t help but wonder how that long, awful season in China's history has shaped the people living there today in regards for the systems and perspectives they carry about adoption, family and priorities. When I’m tempted to get really, really annoyed with them, I have been reminded that these people have been through a lot and that kind of oppression and misused power can really color the way you see the world.

I’m not sure I have a clear point with sharing all of that except that I think I’ve been needing to look outside myself. If I look inward too long and dwell on the ridiculousness of the roadblocks we’ve run into and the injustice of Peng having to wait so long for the mere folly of bad organization – I do start to spiral down. Maybe entering others’ pain helps me carry the pain of our experience.

I’ve noticed the wide variety of realities in my heart this past month. Grief. Trust. Helplessness. Perseverance. Sadness. Christmas. Anticipation.  Disappointment. It’s been amazing to me that I can feel and experience all of these seemingly contradictory realities so often and so regularly. Mostly flipping around back and forth and all in between them within the day. This hymn has resonated with me lately…

I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
Oh, bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

Some hours I laugh and am just in the moment. Some hours I wake up in the middle of the night compelled to pray with all my might. Some hours I am so angry at this system that has children trapped in institutions for excessive amounts of time. Some hours I remember God’s redeeming power.

So, if you catch me in person, I can’t predict for you which hour I’ll be in. I may want to talk about it. I may really be tired of talking about it. But in every hour, I know my helplessness and I know my only stability is Jesus Christ.

The Savior. The Messiah. The true God. Light of light eternal. Our Saving Grace. We celebrate his birth with joy regardless of what we’re feeling or experiencing. His goodness is the only hope we really have.

With much to be thankful for....

....we wish you a Merry Christmas and thank you again for reading and caring and praying for our family....