Noticing the same

Back in 1999, I went to see the Disney movie “Tarzan” with my roommate, Lisa.  I had just recently been to listen to speaker, Holly Van Gulden, a therapist and good counselor on adoptive parenting.  She was so wise and insightful and I had gained lots of good resources to offer the adoptive families I was working with at the time.  We came to a scene in the movie where the boy Tarzan starts realizing he’s different from his ‘ape family’.  She begins to sing a song to him and lovingly points out all the things they have in common. It was a sweet scene and at the one point , she pulls Tarzan to put his hands against hers. His eyes get big and he seems to realize they both have five fingers and that they have something in common. At this point, I lean over to Lisa and excitedly say “This is such great adoptive parenting!” To which she proceeds to firmly, yet affectionately tell me to be quiet as she wipes the tears streaming down her face. I guess I ruined the moment.

In biological families it’s so common to say “You have your mom’s nose” or “When you said that, you sounded just like your dad.” Adopted children don’t have this lifelong reinforcement of sameness, unless we intentionally notice it.  Some shared characteristics can be learned like “You enjoy being outside, just like your mom.” Some characteristics just happen to be the same, even though they are not biological “You have stick straight hair, just like your dad!”  Adoptive families are often encouraged to all use the same shampoo, have matching shirts, get similar hair cuts, sometimes when everything seems different those are just teeny little things you can have the same. 

When Peng comes home and for the rest of his life within our family, he will be different. He will have a different skin color, a different set of birth parents, a different early childhood, a different ‘label’, a different story. And that is what will stand out first. 

We all do it. We see a family all of one color and notice one family member is a different color. We are immediately intrigued. We see a family and notice one person is in a wheelchair, or is missing a limb, we are curious. It’s only natural to focus on the difference.  The choice comes in what happens next.

Being Chinese, he will obviously look different from the rest of our pale skinned, blue eyed family. And when he meets new people, he will likely always be asked some of the same questions for his whole life like “That's your brother?”, “Do you want to meet your ‘real’ parents someday?” or “How much did it cost to adopt you?”

Many people feel these kinds of questions right off the bat are as personal as asking a stranger “Do you think your parents will ever divorce?”, “Have you ever been to therapy?” or “How much do you earn in a year?”

I also remember Holly Van Gulden telling a story of walking into a grocery store with her family. I believe she had three of her children with her at the time, they were all different nationalities and someone came up to her and asked “Where are they from?” Holly turned to her children and said “Do you feel like sharing part of your story today?” Two shook their heads no and one said “I’m from India”. Holly shortly wrapped up the conversation and moved on with shopping. I have remembered this story for 15 years.  It was powerful in my eyes, because she aligned herself with her children rather than feeling the need to answer every question asked of her about her children. She proved something to her kids that day – that their needs and their story are theirs.  They can share if they choose and share with whom they choose and mom will support them. She noticed the "same". They were on the same team.

There is a range of what kinds of comments and questions are appropriate for us to discuss in front of Peng when he gets here.  Ultimately, he will have to figure out when and with whom he feels comfortable sharing his story as he grows up.

Our job will be to model navigating personal conversations for him and equipping him to have them himself. This will be a learning curve for all of us. I’m not sure what I will feel is intrusive or inappropriate yet. I hope we handle ourselves with grace towards well-meaning information seekers, more details to those closer to us and also loyalty to Peng, his privacy and his story.
Being adopted will always be a part of what Peng has experienced and he will always be ‘different’ in that way in our family.  We will need to be sensitive to this reality and be aware that the world we live in is not free of stereotypes and judgments he may experience differently than we have.

However, it is my hope that while ‘being adopted’ is a part of him, it doesn’t define him.  I want him to know his first identity is simply that he is a Child of the King. He is the outpouring of God’s heart and imagination and has the mark of God’s image on him. He is a gift and has much blessing to offer.  I hope he will see that he is much more like us than he is different. I hope he will know that God creates families by birth, by marriage and by adoption. And that he has just as much a right to be a part of our family as any of us. 

Logistical update: Not much to share. Still waiting for Peng’s file to get to Beijing. We’ve been told it should be within a week from now.  We’ve been told these things before, so not holding our breath. But still trusting in Jesus. Can’t hurt to keep knocking on God’s door!