Tough Day

It’s been a tough day for me. I had been holding off on a blog update because I was expecting the next one to be “YAY – Peng is registered!” which means…we can finally move on to the next stage of the process. I got the news this morning that it will still be another 1-2 weeks before he’s registered in China. All summer I have been hearing “soon", "probably just a few more weeks” and“not long” . I’m starting to feel a little jaded when I hear those phrases now.

We said “yes!” to Peng (pronounced “Pong”) in early June. At that time, we were under the impression it would take a few weeks to gather his file and submit it to CCWAA (China’s social welfare organization). We were told it wouldn’t be long. My idea of not long was definitely not 4 months. I believe it has come as a surprise to our agency as well.

So, the whole summer has been a series of mentally pushing back our expected travel time to get to him. Today was a zinger though. If you’ve talked with us recently, our standard line has been “We hope to get to China before Christmas”. This was within the realm of reality for good long time.  But as the weeks kept rolling on…..I decided to refigure the averages. And barring some unexpected rapid speed up of paperwork, which I guess is not impossible, but not probable, it sunk in that in all likelihood, we won’t be traveling until February 2015.

Peng turns 3 years old next month. Believe it or not, back in May, we thought there was a possibility we might actually get to him before his 3^rd birthday. Over time, since the timeline has been pushed back little by little, he’ll probably be closer to 3 ½ by the time we meet him. This may just seem like a few months and not that big of a deal in the grand scheme. For some reason, it’s all accumulated to seem like a big deal to me today.

I’ve felt like I’ve been carrying around a rock in my gut all day long. I've been trying to enjoy the moments with Jude and Annie as we’re homeschooling (which is going so well one week in, by the way) and at the same time carrying around a big sadness. It’s an odd emotion to have committed to a child and not be able to do anything to care for him. He’s ours because we’ve said ‘yes’ to him and our agency is pursuing him on our behalf. But legally, we are still in the same place we were back in June. Even though he’s legally not ours, my mama bear instincts have grown for him ever since we said we would be his parents. If any of my other kids were stuck in a system where I could not get to them I would be beating down people’s doors, relentlessly calling the powers that be and causing enough of a ruckus to get them released back into my care. But in this situation, my role is to wait. To do nothing but pray and continue on with regular life. I feel like I should be fighting to get to him. But there is nothing I can do. To be honest, I have to release him into Jesus' capable hands and then try to forget about it all or else it really starts to drive me crazy. A family willing, ready and able to care for a child who has no family. And a whole lot of paperwork that keeps a child living in institutional care for months and months more than he needs to be. It feels so wrong. I know these early years are so important. I KNOW God wants to set the lonely in families. So, why does He delay in giving Peng to our family!?

Recently, I stumbled upon this verse from the Old Testament in Habakkuk. 1:2 “How long, O Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you “Violence!” but you do not save? Why do you make me look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrong?”

I immediately thought… “OK, so I’m not the first one to feel this way…I have to read this book again.” So, I read Habakkuk. It’s a dialogue between Habakkuk and God while Israel is struggling to see God in the midst of their disaster and oppression. Habakkuk bares his soul to the Lord, trying to reasonably understand how God can stand back and allow such injustice. God allows Habakkuk to go on and on in his prayer, trying to figure it all out. Habakkuk cries out, in what I can only imagine is deep frustration “Why are you silent?” and “Lord, are you not from everlasting?”

Some of God’s response to Habakkuk spoke to me as well. A few key phrases from the God of the Universe…. “I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.” And “Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.” And my favorite….”The Lord is in his holy temple; let all the earth be silent before him.”

Somehow, God can tolerate the injustice and wrongness he sees all through the world. He doesn’t wipe it away instantly as we feel He must. Instead, He walks through it with those who are hurting and IN HIS TIME and IN HIS WAY, He redeems.

When I fight this truth, I spiral into a pit of despair. But Jesus keeps calling me back to Himself. When I submit to God in this truth in faith, though I still grieve, I begin to experience a glimmer of His peace.

I was reminded a few weeks ago that there was a national epidemic of grief and sadness in the Israelite community when Pharaoh called for all the Hebrew children under age two to be killed. If our United States government called for the killing of every child under two, and sent the police out to take care of that protocol, our country would be in severe panic. Even imagining it makes me sick. So, in the MIDST of that horrific scene in Egypt, there was a lone child floating down the Nile River. A plan had already been set in motion to redeem the entire Israelite nation through that one child. As all the families were grieving the loss of their children who were not spared, God was there grieving right beside them. Simultaneously, He was on a mission to end the injustice IN HIS TIME and IN HIS WAY. Many years later, that baby Moses would lead God’s people to freedom.

I am mourning missing 3-6 more months of Peng’s life I thought we’d have together. This obviously doesn’t compare to the grief of the Israelite parents. However, it is still a loss.

Upon hearing the news this morning part of Kevin's message to me was “We need to find elements of this journey that are true and hopeful that we can cling to.”

In that spirit, we rejoice in the Lord and are joyful in God our Savior, just like Habakkuk. I don’t get it. I don’t know why things are held up. I don’t know why things have to take so long. I have to cling to what is true. God is in his holy temple. And I respect that and trust Him.  Even while I endure the sadness.

Rest well tonight sweet Peng. We are coming to you as soon as we can.