I think having a plan, in parenting, is half the battle. At least it is for us. When we just go into 'react' mode, it all starts to unravel. They kids will lead every time. Being proactive with knowing why we're doing what we're doing helps us stay consistent for what our vision is for family life. I thought I'd just take a moment to share a few of the basics of adoption family life might look like in the near future, so in case we cross paths in the upcoming months and you're curious....you can have a glimpse into why we're doing what we're doing.
"How come you aren't around more?"
Well, the first way to help a newly adopted child adjust to his/her new family is to limit stimulation. There is enough internal stimulation as well as simply being in a completely different culture with completely new caregivers. Time will tell how much we are out and about this summer, but as much as we can simplify our life, we will try to do so. Here as we're in China, we have a bit of down time and there have definitely been times where Ben is ready to go out on the next adventure. We can typically tell because he puts his backpack on and stands by the door. So, he seems to not mind TOO much being out and about. It'll just be one big experiment as to how much is the right amount.
"Why do you feed him when he can feed himself?"
The orphanage director was very proud that all the kids can feed themselves. She told us so. Usually this is a sign of success. In an institution, it's almost a necessity and high priority just for efficiency's sake. The problem is that many kids learned to be independent TOO soon. Feeding is a basic bonding opportunity. Infants receive nourishment from their mothers and it triggers all those 'feel good' hormones that are a baseline for attaching to her. When we feed Ben, we are trying to engage some of those same hormones and simulate that type of experience for him. Overall, we want meal time to be a happy experience, so if he is adamant about feeding himself, we will let him participate. This has definitely happened. But we'll still try to sneak a few bites in as much as we can. And we try other ways to connect during meal time, like making a lot of eye contact as he's chewing. We also, need to be the ONLY source of food for him for a good 6-12 months. So, while it is kind for others to offer our children lollipops or treats or drinks or anything....we really need him to receive those things from us as we're laying this foundation.
"He's 3.5, he can walk....why do you carry him?"
It is highly unlikely that Ben, or any other child raised in an institution received enough holding as a baby. Carrying him not only helps him start to feel comfortable in that intimate position, it also helps his vestibular system develop in areas where it may be lacking. Adjusting to keep his body positioning helps him become more aware of his body, which he is in need of becoming. We also carry him because he runs :) And we honestly don't know if he'd come back to try to find us.
"Come here and let me hold you!"
Ben is pretty cute. I will warn you. He's even cuter in person. So, there might be some tempted to pick him up and kiss his cheeks. This again, is an intimate experience we want reserved for our family for the time being. High fives, waving hello, big smiles, a pat on the back are all appropriate ways to interact with him. We do need to keep the snuggles limited to our immediate family for a while.
"He's almost four, but you treat him like a baby. Why is that?"
It is said that for every 3 months in an orphanage, a child loses one month development. So, while he turns four in October, he is more like a 2 1/2 year old at this point. It has only been a few years since we've been out of toddlerhood at the Hubers home, but I guess I'd gotten used to it. Ben is bringing back all the memories and adding more! We are also trying to re-do a few steps in his development that he may have missed. He will be able to pass through these developmental stages more quickly, but we need to make sure he gets to pass through them. I learned all about brain plasticity and how children are able to do this when I worked at the Attachment Center during my pregnancy with Timothy. They taught me good stuff. For example, today he was fussy and Kevin rocked and held him until he fell asleep. We don't know if he got that as a baby. He needed to, so we'll make sure he gets it with us. That cycle of distress and finding comfort in us is one we'll be practicing together for a while.
"He's so naughty, why don't you put him in time-out?
Some of the typical parenting strategies backfire with children from high stress backgrounds. When Ben misbehaves, isolating him in a time out risks communicating to him that when he makes poor choices, we will leave him. Our hope is to keep him in time-ins. We can sit quietly, take a break, but be together. As language develops, we can use our words to describe what happened and what needs to happen in the future. Discipline is going to be an ongoing learning experience. Just as it is with our other three. We will probably have mastered it all just as they're turning 18.
In general, we're trying to engage him with a lot of Ping-Pong back and forth games. Mostly when we're in the hotel room together. Things that have him interacting with us in a positive way. Or when he's not interested, just Kevin and I playing back and forth games and hopefully enticing him in. He seems to be falling for it most of the time :)
Thanks again for your love and support. It's going to be a wild summer. And it will be hard for us to ask for help as we know people are so very busy. However, I'm going to swallow my pride right now and put a link out there again to a meal train that a friend set up for us. It would be such a gift to have as much help as possible in this arena. No pressure, seriously. Only if you are able. https://www.mealtrain.com/trains/w7y137
I'll leave you with my new favorite picture.
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| Ben often sleeps with his arms behind his head. This was the first time he fell asleep like that on me. Happy Mama. |
Wonderful. I appreciate that you posted this. It is totally acceptable to educate us and remind us.
ReplyDeleteDo reach out for help. Do feel free to say no to visits. Take time.